The Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and
all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox, knocked over the trash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
But a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second I'd wind up being sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
"On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS.
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all."
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cried
"If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by."
And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night
"In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!"